Dreaming of a Geek Tragedy
February 2, 2006I wished for a tragic life. One full of illegal pleasures. Drugs, alcohol, and fucking around. Cigs never even crossed my mind because it was too common. A legal killer. Ganja was just stronger cigs.
Metamphetamine. Speed. Downers. Uppers. Fuck, I wanted to go through the whole gamut until I ended up in the freaking nuthouse. I wanted to drink myself until my liver gave way. Let alcohol run through my veins. Fucking and screwing 2 to 5 girls at once. Domintrix and slave. The Jesus & Mary Chain lifestyle.
Okay, why the hell would I want such a shitty life? One where I would end up either in jail or a morgue? I wanted to suffer. I believed that to find enlightenment, I had to go through hell first. Go through fire. Get burned. Come out motherfucking golden. To most, it sounded stupid, but for me–it was my creed.
But I never got into drugs. The nearest I got was an antibiotic. My planned alcoholism became a social drinking session. My fucking around was a monogomous one.
Did I ever regret having such a nerdy life? Sometimes, I do; especially when I compare myself to people who have succeeded in coming out the other side. And yet, I know MORE people who have failed to “come out golden.” They melted in the fire and disappeared. I cry for them. It was almost as though they showerd me the error of my wants. I can only say that I’m happy with what DIDN’T happen to me. I’m a lucky sonuvabitch.
Now I am here. Still in the heat of the fire. Waiting to come out golden.
tag: drugs, sex, alcohol, fucking, The Jesus & Mary Chain
Previous Comments
Wearing all white these days will get you a spot in one of those tv-horror-real-life-(supposedly)-stories.
Emily Dick was a great writer wasn't she?
Posted by taorist at February 2, 2006, 11:17 amawww why wait till your dead
unlike em taorist you will come out golden prior to death, I'm certain.
Thanks coopster! Yes. Golden a minute before I fry in the electric chair. LOLZ!!!
Posted by taorist at February 3, 2006, 2:40 pmStrange how the "romantic" and "tortured" image of alcoholism and drug abuse prevails. Not to mention the myth of somehow being "enlightened". Oh, and really, really, "cool".
There's nothing less cool than a drunk, except for someone nodding off (as they do) on heroin.
Yeah, really excitment in those life styles!
Not.
Posted by Caz at February 3, 2006, 3:47 pmI agree they have romaticized the idea of suffering. But this suffering is all for show. They want to be pitied. It's arrogant pity.
I'm glad I'm not part of it anymore.
Posted by taorist at February 3, 2006, 4:54 pmTao - then you misunderstand suffering.
Heroin, for example, is without comparison the best pain killer in the world - no physical pain, no psychic pain, no emotional pain, no existential pain. It's the antithesis of suffering. Heroin should be freely available to anyone under going painful medical treatments, or who are dying in pain.
Pick a drug, any drug, and it is intended and succeeds in knocking out pain - uppers or downers - just different ways to escape. Ditto alchohol.
Suffering?
Suffering is the stuff that comes from the real events of life - literally the life and death stuff; or the appalling things that people live through - vile, inhumane, and cruel things - or just the daily struggles of getting by, or trying to provide for a family - that's suffering.
Drug abuse is the blanket of self-indulgence that renders people immune to any emotion, let alone "suffering".
Posted by Caz at February 3, 2006, 7:11 pmI love this post, unfortunately relate to it… not because I wished for a tragic life, but accidentally fell into one… I completely agree with Caz, suffering is something that comes from real life events, for me.. this suffering led to what you defined as a 'tragic life' … The drugs were intended to numb the pain that the suffering caused, it did for a while… but ultimately started to cause me pain.
Despite all this, I'll still rather overdose than die of cancer.
Love ur blog! (blogrolled!) 
I agree with both Caz and Matilda. Yes. I AM glad I never had to go through that to know it was a bad deal.
Sure am lucky.
Posted by taorist at February 13, 2006, 7:59 amits soooo boring
Posted by lye08 at October 9, 2006, 3:58 pmAll comments are moderated. Your comments will not appear here unless approved by the blog owner. Thank you.
i would have chosen another way to top myself. something to the tune of wearing all-white and writing poetry i never want published.
oh, wait. emily d. beat me to it.
Posted by transience at February 2, 2006, 9:35 am